The Marquive (Marquee Archive)

As anyone visiting this website's homepage has undoubtedly noticed, I enjoy adding parody news headlines to my site describing various made-up situations that I find amusing. I thought it would be fun to change up this marquee every once in a while, but I also like to keep a record of the fake headlines that I've written in the past with some notes about the more obscure references for whomever is interested.

Inaugural Marquee (August 17, 2025 -)

STUDY SHOWS ORANGE CATS ARE SMARTER THAN HUMANS o ARCHAEOLOGISTS IN PARIS FIND HENRI IV'S OTHER HEAD o FLORIDA MAN CLAIMS PET GUINEA PIG CAN SING "DANNY BOY," CLAIM SO FAR UNPROVEN o "MOST UNWANTED SONG" WINS MUCH-BELATED GRAMMY o ELVIS SEEN IN UFO WITH MICHAEL JACKSON AND DAVID BOWIE o POSITIVE CORRELATION FOUND BETWEEN ONLINE POKER SCORES AND IQ o OHIO MAN SUCCESSFULLY FILMS ZZ PLANT SINGING "GREEN GROW THE RUSHES, O" o WOMAN FINDS AAA BATTERY SHAPED LIKE BOTCHED JESUS PAINTING RESTORATION o PHANTOM THIEF STEALS MASTERPIECE RONAN THE PUG FROM MOBA o SCIENTISTS CROSS-BREED LILAC BUSH AND VENUS FLYTRAP o SCRAPPY-DOO WINS HANNA-BARBERA POPULARITY POLL FOR FIRST TIME o THE DRESS WAS CHARMEUTH, A NEWLY DISCOVERED COLOR o ETERNAL TRIANGLE PRODUCTION BEGINS, WITH TIMOTHÉE CHALAMET PLAYING PART OF HYPOTENUSE o STUDY SHOWS REGULARLY READING TEXT WRITTEN IN ALL CAPS HELPS LOWER BAD CHOLESTEROL o INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALIST DISCOVERS HEADLINES MADE UP FOR FOOL'S NEOCITIES WEBSITE

Notes: The part about Henri IV's "other head" references the 2010 discovery of an embalmed head then believed to be that of the French king Henri IV, but since proven through DNA testing to have belonged to someone else. "The Most Unwanted Song" is the title of a real song that was released in 1997 and written based on the results of a poll asking people about their least favorite music genres and tropes; the song is hilarious, and you should give at least some of it (and "The Most Wanted Song") a listen if you have the time. Ronan the Pug is one of my personal favorite paintings from the Museum of Bad Art, and can be viewed here. Last but not least, The Eternal Triangle is a reference to a line from the song "Lobachevsky" by Tom Lehrer (RIP). Whenever he performed the song, he would name one of the popular actresses of the time as playing the role of Hypotenuse; I decided to change up the theme a bit by naming perhaps the most popular male actor so far this decade (at least among women).




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