My Final Fantasy VI Headcanons

• Emperor Gestahl is an incel. His inability to find a willing sexual partner even as emperor (due to being ugly thanks to Spanish Habsburg-level inbreeding) and an overdeveloped sense of entitlement combined to make him the power-hungry individual he is in the game.
• Kefka, in contrast, gets action all the time (not that his partners often live to tell about it). He is comically well-endowed and is widely considered handsome, even in his clown getup. His sexual orientation can be best described as "anything that bleeds and screams."
• Setzer is a slutty pansexual who once tried unsuccessfully to persuade his fellow rebels (the adult human ones, anyway) to hold an orgy (or, rather, a "bacchanalia," given that he's a man of culture) on the Blackjack. Sabin was the main one to object, because he's a monk and takes his vow of celibacy seriously. Edgar, on the other hand, was highly enthusiastic about the idea and disappointed that only he and Setzer voted yes.
  • He wasn't always, though. When Daryl was his girlfriend, he was faithful to her, but, after she died, he turned to (often drunken) one-night stands with whomever was available out of grief. It was then that he realized that he didn't just like women.
• Reno was Gau in a past life. I am 100% confident that this one is true.
• Dark Nation was Interceptor in a past life. She is glad that, in her life in the FF7 universe, she has a much better (if even weirder) name.
• Kefka owns a doll that looks like the Kefka dolls on Setsunakou.com and he plays with him all the time, having his gorgeous idealized avatar dismember and destroy the other dolls in his possession per his whims. He's the only doll that Kefka takes good care of, being a representation of himself, and he frequently changes his costume and redoes his makeup to match his current look.
• Both Edgar and Sabin have two more secret middle names in addition to those given in canon. Edgar's are "Allan" and "Poe," while Sabin's are "Oral" and "Sundays."
• Edgar is exactly as straight as Sanji from One Piece: that is to say, mostly, but not quite as much as he'd like everyone else to believe. Setzer is one of the few to know better.
• The dunes of Figaro are alive with the sound of Edgar's bastard children.
• Maria is Celes's identical twin sister, separated at birth. (Alternatively, they're cousins, identical cousins.)
• Kefka's apartments in the imperial palace and in his tower are pink, resembling the inside of a Barbie princess doll castle. (Inspired by this cosplay photo.)
• Reeve was the esper Cait Sith in a past life. He remembers it surprisingly well (the memories having been awakened when he rescued a tomcat resembling the esper) and consciously based the appearance of his Cait Sith robots on what he once looked like. I am also 100% confident that this one is true.
• Sabin loves Monk's Blend tea. (So do I.)
• Strago was never brainwashed by the Cult of Kefka. Instead, he converted because he was lonely and hungry and they lovebombed him and promised him all the food and booze he wanted. He quickly saw through the lovebombing, but decided to stick with them anyway for as long as it took Relm to find him. This explains why he left the cult without a second thought as soon as she showed up.
• After the events of the game, Gau went on to learn how to write and speak properly and let his adoptive fathers Sabin and Mr. Thou continue to teach him how to be a "civilized" human to help him get by in the world (although at heart he was still the wild child who liked imitating animals and hated wearing clothes, and he often revisited his old stomping grounds in the Veldt).
• As adults, Gau and Relm got romantically and sexually involved with each other and had several children. They never married, however, because both were strong believers in free love.
• Setzer's hair was originally dark brown, but turned gray prematurely before he was out of his teens.
• All the player characters over the age of fourteen smoke weed. Yes, all of them. Even Mr. Thou.
• The reason why "Aria di mezzo carattere" becomes Celes' theme after the opera sequence: it was while impersonating Maria that Celes realized that she had fallen in love with Locke. She related to Maria's character, particularly the parts where she sings, "I'm the darkness, you're the starlight / Shining brightly from afar" (her guilt for the atrocities she committed as a general, versus the promise of a better life with Locke) and "Must our final vows exchangèd / Be with him and not with you?” (Emperor Gestahl's plan to force her to marry Kefka).