Compilation of Final Fantasy VII Parody Gags
or
Scripts for the Gag Doujin that I'll Probably Never Get Around to Drawing
To be expanded as I write more of these silly things
Last updated September 19, 2025
(some years before the original game, probably during the Before Crisis era)
President Shinra: "Son, is it true that you referred to me as an 'all-consuming black hole of narcissism?'"
Rufus: "Yes, but I didn't think you'd find out about it. Are you offended?"
Prez: "I think you already know the answer."
Rufus: (barely concealing his glee) "But what part of the phrase offended you? Was it 'all?' Was it 'consuming?' Was it 'all-consuming?' Was it the fact that I called you a 'black hole' instead of a 'white hole' or a 'burgundy hole?'"
(President Shinra keeps shaking his head as he slowly loses his cool.)
Rufus: (still gleeful) "Or was it the 'narcissism' part?"
Prez: "You insolent brat! I knew I never should have spoiled you!"
***
(the last time Palmer visited Cid before the events of the original game)
Cid: "What the &%*$! Shera, c'mon out here and see this!"
(Palmer is sitting in Cid's living room, sipping tea directly out of a tub of lard.)
Palmer: "Hey-hey!"
Cid: "Why the %$!# are you drinkin' out of a tub of lard and how the ^&*% did you get in our pantry?!"
Palmer: "Your girlfriend didn't put enough lard in my tea, so I thought I'd take matters into my own hands. I thought I was pretty clever there for a minute!" (chuckles oddly)
(Both hosts peek into the tub of lard to see that it contains something like nine parts lard to one part tea.)
Cid: "Would you like some tea with that lard?"
Palmer: (looks down into the tub) "No, thanks. I think I have just enough now."
***
(I think this one is original continuity, despite the Remake reference)
Rufus: "I'm pretending to toss coins at you!"
Cloud: "You mean you're not? Damn it! I thought you were going to finally give me the back pay Director Lazard owed me back when I was in SOLDIER!"
Tifa: (thinking) "...Who and what is he rambling on about, and who does he think he is?"
***
Reno: (drunk and singing to Rude offkey) "Bald-headed woman!
You are! Bald-headed woman to meeeee!"
Rude: "…Shut up. Please."
***
Rufus: (upon seeing a photo of his old man dressed in a pink lacy bra and an adult diaper): "Fucking hell! Such indecency. I never knew my old
man wore tacky lingerie under his fine suits. Seriously, Raschel lace? Did Scarlet leave her bra in his bedroom
suite?"
(before Remake—apologies to the writers of Blackadder Goes Forth for borrowing their joke)
President Shinra: (smoking a cigar and letting the smoke waft in his son's face) "This 'Viceroy Sarruf' who I have
been told currently controls Wutai—and who now wants to make a deal with me to procure materia—seems highly
suspicious. I get the feeling that some sort of treasonous intrigue is happening right under my nose…"
Rufus: (feigning ignorance) "Father, your mustache is lovely."
***
(just before the board meeting scene in Rebirth with Darkstar)
Darkstar: "WHY YOU
BWING ME INTO DISH
MEETING, PAHB???"
Rufus: "Because my
executive team needs
to know they can't
manipulate me the
way they could my
father."
Darkstar: "PYEEZ YET
ME EAT AT YEAST ONE
OF DEMSH, PAHB. ME
WAN EAT HOJO.
PYEEEEEEEZ! I'WW BE
EXTWA GOOD GUWL
FWOM NOW ON IF
YOU YET ME EAT
HIM."
Rufus: "If Hojo ever
resigns, you may
do with him whatever
you wish."
Darkstar: "SANKOO,
PAHB! SANKOO! I YUB
YOU SHOOOO MUSH!"
***
(parody of the scene where Glenn reveals his true self to Rufus)
Glenn: "You haven't seen Viceroy Sarruf, have you? He failed to show at an important event—made us look like fools."
Rufus: "Maybe he wouldn't have if you'd spent some money on that set."
Glenn: "Pardon?"
Rufus: "I can tell just by looking at that set that you garbage-picked it from Don Corneo's dumpster and blew your money on something else."
Glenn: "Well, I kind of had to, because Viceroy Sarruf also made me commission a fursuit for him."
Rufus: "Oh, yes." (steps behind his desk and pulls out a mascot head resembling that of the weird-looking Cait Sith mascot suit from FFX-2, along with a folded bodysuit made of faux fur) "Is this the fursuit you commissioned for Viceroy Sarruf? If so, the measurements are all wrong—but I guess that's to be expected when you can't afford a tailor."
Glenn: (sighs) "Spoiled rich kid." (pause) "Wait, how did you get Viceroy Sarruf's fursuit, and how do you know his measurements?"
Rufus: (snickers) "I'll give you three guesses."
Glenn: "You killed him!"
Rufus: "No."
Glenn: "You had sex with him and you use measuring tape in bed!"
Rufus: (more amused) "Nope."
Glenn: "You...You know what? I hate this game. You're just wasting my time when I have better ways to spend it..." (his face transforms into that of Sephiroth)
Sephiroth: "...Like killing you."
Rufus: (starts open firing at Glenn/Sephiroth like in the original scene until Glenn/Sephiroth falls to the floor) "No one must know about my secret fetish. No one...except for Reeve."
Child Rufus: (scowling with exaggerated angry
eyebrows)
Tseng: "If you keep making that expression, your face
will remain frozen like that, sir."
Child Rufus: "Is that some Wutaian superstition?"
Tseng: "No, it's something your chambermaid, who
grew up in Kalm, told me the other day."
Child Rufus: (bursts out laughing)
Tseng: "…What are you laughing at?"
Child Rufus: "So that's why you never make any facial
expressions. Because you made that face too much,
and it got stuck like that."
Tseng: (ironic à la Jeeves) "Most…perceptive, sir."
(Tseng's inner monologue: "What the fuck?")
Red XIII: "Hello, my name is Red XIII and I'm a research specimen."
Dark Nation: (wagging both her tail and her tentacle) "ME DAWK NATION AND ME WOOFUSH' BABY." (makes seductive pose in front of Red XIII) "ME GUUUUUWL. ME YIIIIIEEEEEK BOY PUPPIESH."
Rufus: (pulls Dark Nation's leash) "That's enough! I want to fight the supposed ex-SOLDIER already and see what he's made of." (to Avalanche) "I'm very sorry about that. Dark Nation happens to be in heat right now and I can't control her whenever she's around male dogs."
Red XIII: "Thank you, President Rufus. I'm sorry, Dark Nation, but I have no interest in interbreeding with whatever species of canine you are."
Tifa: "And besides, he's actually a cat."
(Upon hearing this, Dark Nation starts growling and barking her head off at Red XIII.)
***
Rufus: (to his Turks, while trying but failing to
hide his amusement) "Which one of you attached
Choco/Mog to my shotgun again?!"
Reno: "It wasn't me. Really."
(Plot twist: Rude did it, and not because Reno
talked him into it.)
(Alternate plot twist: Rufus did it himself while
drunk, right after impulse-ordering an inflatable
couch he didn't need and forgot to order the
pump for. His impulse-buying (which he's prone
to even when he's sober), by the way, is the
origin of the term "Rufus effect." The HP Plus that
was originally in that slot now belongs to
Dark Nation, who thinks it's a glowing purple ball;
Rufus won't find that materia again until a week
later, when she will bring it to him to ask him to
play fetch with her.)
Dark Nation: (holding materia and wagging her tail
and tentacle) "PYEEZ, PAHB, PYEEZ PWAY FETCH WIFF ME!!1"
Rufus: (grabbing the "ball") "Holy shit, that's my
HP Plus materia! Where did you find it?"
Dark Nation: "I SHAWED IT BY YOUW GUN A WEEK
AGO AND FOUGHT IT WUSZH ONE OF MY
BAWWIES." (gives puppy-dog eyes) "I'M SHO
SHOWWY, PAHB. I WISH I WOUWD'VE KNOWN
BEDDUW."
Rufus: (petting her) "It's okay, D." (sarcastic) "At
least Sephiroth hasn't killed me…yet."
***
Dark Nation: (wagging her tail and tentacle) "YOOK, DYA'Y! DAT SHADOWMAN OBUW DEWE OFFUW ME BIG BAWWY! HIM WANNA PYAY FETCH WIFF ME!"
Rufus: "D, what did I say about taking toys from strangers, especially from sketchy-looking entities?"
Dark Nation: "JUST YET ME PYAY WIFF HIM, PWEEJ!"
(The shadowman picks up the ball; then, using his shadowy hand, he opens up a portal to Hell. He throws the ball inside. Dark Nation tries to jump through, but Rufus grabs her leash and pulls her back.)
Rufus: "No. Bad girl."
Dark Nation: "YOU SHED DA B-A-D WUWD." (sulks) "ME JUS WAN PYAY, PWEEJ."
Rufus: "Couldn't you see he wanted to kill you? He was trying to get you to run straight into Hell using that 'bally.'"
Dark Nation: "AWW ME SEE IS BAWWY. ME NO SEE HIM TRY TO KIWW DAWK NATION OW DYA'Y."
(Upon seeing the shadowman throw another ball into another portal, Dark Nation breaks the leash and jumps straight into the portal to Hell. Rufus falls flat on his face on the sidewalk, staining his fine, formerly blindingly white suit.)
***
Rufus: "C'mere, D. I got you your favorite gourmet treats."
Darkstar: (in a Morris the Cat voice) "Are you sure Shinra Gourmet Pet Food wasn't lying to you? Because this smells a hell of a lot like ground-up bull pizzle." (sniffs treat audibly) "Whew!"
Rufus: "I liked you better when you spoke in Dogspeak."
Darkstar: "I liked you better when you served me Nine Lives."
Return to the Reactor
Go home